Ready
by ShadowsOnTheMoon
Summary: If they ever found out the things I've done to them, not one of them would ever speak to me again... I'm not ready for this.
1. Chapter 1

**This is set during the start of 3x21, so spoilers up until then.**  
**Basically I was watching this episode and when Aria apologizes to Spencer, I thought, 'What if she's not just apologizing because she knows her friend feels bad? What if she's saying sorry because it really is her fault?'**  
**This is the result. For now I'll leave it at a one-shot, but if I get enough interest/inspiration I may add onto it at some point.**  
**So, read and review, guys. Enjoy.**

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As hard as it is for me to say what I'm saying, I know it must be infinitely worse for Spencer to hear it. I can tell that she's resigned herself to this, that she understands that Toby is the enemy and that their love was never real. But Emily refuses to believe it; she keeps making sweeping declarations of love on Toby's behalf, trying to convince us – and that tiny pessimistic part of herself – that there's been a mistake, that Toby couldn't possibly be A because he loves Spencer too much to hurt her like this.

I duck my head at this, hoping I'm not being too obvious. What she doesn't realize is that sometimes it's not about love. Sometimes you have to keep secrets from the people closest to you, to protect not only yourself but them too. Sometimes you have to lie to your friends, your family, your boyfriend. Sometimes you start out doing things for the right reasons, but then the lines get blurred and your feelings get messy and you can't even tell whose side you're on anymore.

They could never understand that.

Spencer snaps at Emily, who tries not to flinch. "If he loved me, he would not have let me sit outside of his loft _bawling_ my eyes out for hours."

I have to replay the sentence over in my mind to make sure I've got it right. Mona hadn't told me about this. I know that Toby was long gone by that point, covering his tracks and laying low, so nobody had been at the apartment. Unless Mona had. I knew she'd been back to the apartment at one point to clear up some of Toby's stuff, but had she been there then? Why wouldn't she have told me?

Guilt tugs at my heart, and I know why she wouldn't tell me. It's because when Spencer goes on, about how Toby hurt her – us – I can't stop a pang of sympathy from shooting through me. I hadn't meant for it to go this far. Spencer wasn't meant to find out about Toby's involvement; I'd known he was part of the team for a while, and I knew it would destroy her if she ever found out. And now that time has come, and I get to watch the devastation and destruction for myself while he's off in some cabin in Ravenswood.

"I'm so sorry, Spence."

Despite the fact that my words are sincere, I can't quite meet her eyes. I'm scared that if our eyes meet she'll see through my lies and deception and know that I'm more involved even than Toby, somehow sense that I've been on the team longer and I've done more to hurt them than I can ever admit. If they ever found out the things I've done to them, not one of them would ever speak to me again; not even Emily, who could forgive all but the worst betrayal.

She and Spencer continue arguing about Toby, and I try to keep up while my thoughts swirl away from me. For the past few weeks Spencer's been distant, defensive, lashing out at us if we try to talk to her. I knew the reason, of course, but I'd hoped this was all part of the healing process. Some part of me had believed that if we let this destruction run its course her fierce anger would fade and she'd be able to rebuild herself from the rubble. But instead she's crumbling, collapsing in on herself until I can barely recognize her anymore.

She's broken, and I'm the reason for it.

"What's so funny?" Emily demands as Spencer lets out a wry laugh.

I watch her, confused by this reaction and worried for her sanity. She was always the most driven of the four of us, high-strung and always pushing herself to do more, be more, achieve more. She hasn't lost her determination, but now she's turned it towards a new goal: self-destruction. Toby's betrayal has shattered her, and instead of letting us help her she's busy throwing pieces of her heart away, slicing herself on the shards and cutting herself off from her friends.

"You need to stop thinking about Toby as the person that you thought you knew, and start looking at him for who he really is," Spencer spits, her voice hard with unveiled anger.

I look away again. If she knew that I was a part of it too, if she'd caught me instead of Toby, she and Emily would be having this same conversation about _me_. I know I can't keep this a secret forever, but I can only hope that when the truth comes out they'll be able to understand why I'm doing this, why I had to hurt them in order to save them. Even if that means losing them, I can live with that; as long as they're alive, and I don't have any more blood on my hands.

"The quicker you wrap your mind around this, better." Spencer is snapping, taking her frustrations out on Emily, who doesn't deserve it. Neither of them deserve anything that's happened to them. Me, on the other hand, I deserve every bad thing that's ever happened in my life, and more.

Silence falls over us, and the conversation is at an end. We try to contact Hanna a few more times, but there's no answer. Emily leaves eventually, telling us to call or text if anything else comes up. Spencer watches her leave with a blank expression, and then she rests her head in her hands and tries to keep herself from crying. I want to comfort her, but there's something I need to do first.

"Spence, I'll be right back, okay? I just need to call my dad to let him know I won't be home tonight."

She mumbles something inaudible, some kind of acknowledgement, and I slip out into the hall to make the phone call. It's not to my father; it's to someone who holds much more authority over me.

"I'm at Spencer's," I tell her as soon as she picks up.

"How is she?" Mona asks, sounding almost genuinely concerned.

"She's…" I glance into her room and see that she hasn't moved, aside from the slight shake of her shoulders as she sobs into her hands. I take a deep breath, hating myself for what I'm about to do. "She's ready."

"Great. Meet me in the woods in an hour."

I hang up and lean against the door, glancing again at Spencer, who has no idea that I am about to be her complete undoing.

I'm not ready for this.

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	2. Chapter 2

**Hey everyone! I got a great response to the first chapter, and I had some free time today, so I figured I may as well write another. Thank you to everyone who followed, favorited, and, most importantly, reviewed. This is for you. ;)**

**Let me know what you think. :)**

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"Mona, what are we doing here?"

It's cold, and I have to wrap my arms around myself and try to keep from shivering. Mona's crouched in front of me, pulling various items out of a seemingly bottomless duffel bag. At last she straightens up, surveying her collection with a look of satisfaction.

"A black hood should always be prepared," she quotes.

I roll my eyes at her, but she doesn't notice. Ever since the girls started calling the leader of our team 'Red Coat', Mona's taken to calling the rest of us 'black hoods'. She seems to think it's funny, but it sounds trite to me. It also seems to imply that we're equals, which is definitely not the case. We may be working together, but Mona's still in charge of me – and Red Coat's in charge of her.

"Can you hand me that?" Mona asks, gesturing to a black permanent marker.

I pick it up and give it to her, waiting for some kind of explanation. Instead she just tucks it into her pocket and starts walking off. I glance around the clearing, and then I jog to catch up with her.

"Mona, what are we doing?" I ask again, more firmly this time. She knows I'm meant to be at Spencer's tonight, and if Spence notices I'm gone I'm going to have a lot of explaining to do. We should be trying to make this quick rather than theatrical. But Mona has a flair for creativity, and I know she'd rather do it the dramatic way than the easy way.

At last she turns to me, flashing me a wicked grin. "We're going to kill Toby."

"Wait, _what_?" The shock of those words causes me to stumble, and by the time I've righted myself Mona has disappeared from sight.

Suppressing a groan, I keep going. She hates working with me, I know that, but does she have to be so damn _difficult_ about it? All of this would be so much easier if she just worked with me instead of trying to stay a step ahead of me. Maybe she's worried I'm going to finally catch up and figure out _her_ secrets for a change, but it's more likely that she just enjoys holding everything over my head.

Mona is waiting in the next clearing, and when I approach she gives me a look that clearly says _What took you so long?_

"You can't be serious," I say, tucking my gloved hands into the pocket of my hoodie.

"Oh, sweetie." I don't know if she's channelling her inner Ali or just trying to annoy me, but either way it works.

"Mona," I say through gritted teeth. "Tell me what's going on."

She lets out a dramatic sigh, as if wanting to know why I'm in the woods in the middle of the night is a ridiculous concept. "Of course we're not going to actually kill Toby," she says. "He's on our side, after all."

It might just be me overanalyzing, but I feel like she puts particular emphasis on the word _our_, like she's reminding me that after all the things I've done I can't possibly be on the girls' side. She's right, of course. After everything that's happened I know I can't be their friend, not really, but that doesn't mean I'd ever willingly help Mona.

"So if we're not going to kill him," I say, watching cautiously as she pulls out what looks like a GPS and frowns at the screen, "how are we going to, you know, kill him?"

She looks up with a condescending smile. "Patience, Aria."

God, she can be annoying sometimes. It's one thing to have to keep secrets from the girls, but it's another to keep these kinds of secrets, the ones I don't actually know myself. We're out in the woods, planning a murder except we're not going to kill anybody, taking instructions from some unknown but seemingly omniscient leader, and I have no idea what's going on. All Mona has told me so far is that this plan is 'big', that it's 'going to be a game-changer', and that my part in it is vital. Most of my part appears to be done; I was meant to 'monitor' Spencer and let Mona know when she was ready for this phase of the plan. And by 'ready', she meant I had to wait until the moment Spencer started really snapping, the moment before she broke entirely, and then I had to practically hand her over to the enemy.

Have I mentioned that I hate myself?

I lean against a nearby tree, folding my arms and waiting for Mona to finish fiddling with the GPS. Every now and then she gently shakes or taps it; apparently I'm not the only one reluctant to work with her. Finally she lets out a little 'aha' and sets off into the trees. I scurry after her, not wanting to get lost out here after dark. I may be used to sneaking around, but that doesn't mean I want to be left alone in the woods.

We walk for a few minutes; Mona is confident, walking quickly and purposefully, but I trail behind, getting snagged on branches and stumbling over rocks. It scares me how comfortable she is striding around dark woods, but then I remind myself who I'm dealing with. It's Mona, of course she's used to this kind of activity.

When she finally stops walking, I don't immediately see what's so significant about this place. It looks like everywhere else; tall, dark trees, scattered moonlight, a tangle of branches. Then Mona steps to the side, revealing what we've apparently come here to get. I feel sick at the sight of it, but Mona seems unperturbed. A few beats of silence pass, and then I utter the only words I can come up with.

"Mona, where the _hell_ did you get a dead body?"

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	3. Chapter 3

**First of all, thanks for the reviews, guys. I'm glad I decided to make this more than a one-shot now.  
I'll preface this by saying that it isn't one of my best chapters, but in my defense it's the middle of exam period and I haven't had much time to write. So here's a kind of filler chapter (with a bittersweet Sparia moment, of course) to tide you over until I have more time to work on this (and all my other stories... update for those who are waiting for 'S is for Salvation' - I'm over halfway through writing it, so it will be up within the next couple of weeks!).  
So, yes, review away. See you guys soon.**

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Since I started working with Mona I've had to do some almost unspeakably awful things, but none of them have ever been as downright disgusting as this. Mona had me help her set up the body to look like Toby, so that when Spencer finds him she'll think he's dead. She refuses to tell me where she got the body from, or even who it is, but I'm starting to think that's probably a good thing. It's hard enough to set up a corpse like this; it would be almost impossible if I knew the guy's name. I'd start imagining a life for him, picturing a wife and kids and a job where he was liked and a time when he had his whole life ahead of him.

After we finish in the woods, Mona tells me that she'll call me if she needs me. We part ways at the edge of the trees and I watch her drive away from Rosewood. I only give myself a second to wonder where she's going before I start the engine and drive back into town. I've been gone for over an hour, so I really need to get back to Spencer's.

She's asleep when I get there, and I quickly slip inside and close the door behind me. I change back into a pair of Spencer's old sweats that she lent me to sleep in, and then I go to lie down on the mattress on the floor. But the sight of Spencer lying there in her bed, looking like she's at peace for the first time in a long time, stops me.

I hesitate, and then I make my way over to her. She doesn't stir as I plant a gentle kiss on her forehead, a silent apology for what I'm going to do to her. But when I pull away her eyes flutter open and she looks at me, confused.

"Aria?" she mumbles, blinking sleepily. "Is everything okay?"

This is killing me, but I can't turn back now. I can only hope that Spencer will be strong enough to withstand what's about to happen to her. "Everything's going to be fine," I say softly, watching as my words put a tired smile on her face. "Go back to sleep, Spence."

She obediently closes her eyes, and within a minute her breathing slows and I know that she's asleep. With a sigh I settle myself down on my bed on the floor, but sleep is more elusive for me. When I wake up in the morning I'm far from well-rested, and my day proves to be stressful.

Not only do I have to hide the fact that I helped Mona set up something that will absolutely break Spencer's heart, I also have to deal with yet more drama from Ezra. I go over to his apartment and, to my surprise, his son is there. I do my best to be warm and friendly, but I'm too caught off-guard to put too much feeling behind it. I'm even more surprised when Ezra reveals to me that Maggie and Malcolm are going to be staying in Rosewood; I try to be supportive, but I think Ezra knows I'm forcing it.

But he doesn't comment on it. He just invites me to stay and play with Malcolm, and I'm about to politely decline when Malcolm himself bounces over to me and insists, "Come on, you gotta check out my train set!"

Unable to resist, I smile and sit down. An hour later Maggie comes to pick him up, and Ezra takes Malcolm to the bathroom to wash up – leaving me alone with Maggie. I stumble over the 'hi's and the 'how are you?'s, and then I realize I'm not in the mood for smalltalk.

"Look, I just wanted you to know that it - it wasn't me that told Ezra about Malcolm," I say quickly and quietly, worried about Ezra or Malcolm overhearing.

She assures me that it's fine, and I'm not sure whether that makes me feel better or more uneasy. Ezra comes back in before I can say anything else, and in the space of a few minutes I somehow find myself volunteering to watch Malcolm that afternoon; like I don't already have enough to do.

When did my life get so complicated?

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